Don't Panic! A Romanian's Guide to UK for 2014

Hello fellow human. How are you feeling today?

If you heard Jimmy Carr on the box yesterday complaining about Romanians and Bulgarians coming here 'to steal all the Polish people’s jobs' , and you though that was funny but still felt both annoyed and sorry for yourself, you must be feeling Romanian.

It’s a hard feeling to shake, and I should know this - I tried to stop feeling Romanian for the past fourteen years.  Not only because it clearly isn't easy being Romanian at present but also because I know, in my head, that I am not only Romanian. After all is anyone only  from one place in the age of Skype? I have friends from other countries and of course all my friends here in Britain, who are also no longer only English, because they too are from all over the place or have lived around the world. This is what they call  transnational networks. But… what can I say, ethnic identity is fascinating. Ultimately we feel defined by our earliest environment, our family and their own ethnic identities. And so I am Romanian.

As a Romanian, lately, I have been feeling responsible for other Romanians and how they behave in public. I have been nervously looking around me to see if the foreign people on the train, bus and at the next table might also be Romanian. At times I have felt both pleased to learn they were and relieved to learn they weren’t. And it has been pretty scary to see how easy it has been for the media to make people visible in a crowd, make them feel isolated.

I know, I understand. Romanians are not the only immigrants in UK but they are part of the newer, post cold war arrivals. New is something we don’t (yet) know and no emotional transference is possible. New research on the (originally Freudian) concept of ‘transference’ shows that cognition is an emotional process - we use our feelings to extend our knowledge of something new. Like, ‘Aha, you are a Scot! Well, it is very nice to meet you! Yes, yes, I have a Scottish friend and she is great!’  But the British don’t really know the Romanians. Historically… speaking.  Which could be a good thing, given both our histories!

So I am afraid you can’t stop being and feeling Romanian unless you can afford a lobotomy. Or, unless you are willing to try neuro-linguistic programing yourself as a Spaniard. Try saying: ‘I am from Majorca’ in the mirror before going to bed. Try: ‘I am Slovakian’. ‘I am Armenian’. ‘I am Georgian’. If you are a nice enough Romanian, who is hopefully over all the inculcated nationalism and homophobia from our own communist childhood, try: ‘I am Hungarian’. If you are a fan of the Cheeky Girls try: ‘I am Transylvanian’.

If all fails, you will have no choice but continue to wake up Romanian. When this happens make sure you get yourself ready to face the world unashamed.

Try saying: ‘How are you today?’

No towel needed.

Women Detectives - Born or Made?: The Love Quest: the science of love and the receiv...

Women Detectives - Born or Made?: The Love Quest: the science of love and the receiv...: So we are all looking for love. Even the cynics, the resigned, the disappointed, whatever we may be, we are all looking for love. 1 to 1, ex...

The Love Quest: the science of love and the received wisdom

So we are all looking for love. Even the cynics, the resigned, the disappointed, whatever we may be, we are all looking for love. 1 to 1, exclusive, personal, intimate love.

All of us in the same big boat, on a quest to find and keep love.

For the past few years I have been following the work of Dr Helen Fisher, the cultural anthropologist of romantic love. I am definitely a Fisher fan and she really makes 'romantic love' sound great and I am seduced by this new-old quest: to understand love. Fisher's research is fascinating, she collected thousands upon thousands of data surveys, she even scans lovers' brains. She says that 'love' is the most powerful brain system on earth and romantic love keeps the world turning. Sure she's not the first to make such a claim. Lots of nods from the gallery. Look at Freud's libido, Jung's animus and anima, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

So let's get some received wisdom (RW) out, on love - everything in between science and folk tale.

First I trust some of my good and beautiful friends who assure me that love NEVER happens when you're waiting for it.
Oh, ok! Thanks. That explains it.
Nope. Not here. It's like watching a kettle.

When you stop wanting love you get a brief relief from the longing and the hoping. This you must enjoy because it's restful and there aren't that many stops coming up. Then out of nowhere, love arrives in one's heart. Never goes for any fingers or toes, 'bulls' eye'!

Alas, the loving, the hoping, wishing and praying are back! No restful, serene, shady places now... Loving somebody takes energy.

No wonder so many of us on the journey get such tired hearts.

Second RW fact about love is that you must 'decide to love'. Yep, it's a decision which sort of goes well with an economic view of the personality and the cost-benefit calculations self-interested individuals are suppose to be making - consciously or not - when making decisions. But I like this step - 'decide to love' - because it shows that you have to be willing and you have to be open. It sounds like Khalil Gibran, but it's actually my 7 year old who told me this and he'd heard it on Cbeebies. Oh, so you decide to love but you can't decide who will love you back. Is that why love is blind?

Fisher says it takes seconds to make that decision though. She says we know, we are walking billboards advertising everything there is to know about ourselves, we always know what we want and who has it.

So what do we have so far?

You have to wait but stop waiting, with your open heart, with your defences down, in the way of the arrows. Imagine it, you're naked, at peace, restful, defenceless, sleeping in a forest like some nymph or satyr. One eye open though, so that you can decide.

I definitely think we're making some progress here...

Women Detectives - Born or Made?: Ordering the world on the train

Women Detectives - Born or Made?: Ordering the world on the train: Three days after Christmas and I am traveling to Kent with my five year old son for an overnight visit. We are going to see an old universit...

Ordering the world on the train

Three days after Christmas and I am traveling to Kent with my five year old son for an overnight visit. We are going to see an old university friend who has recently become a mother. Although in recent times I haven't been enjoying train journeys as much as I used to, I feel lucky to have found seats and a table across from a nice young lady who doesn't seem to mind being chatted up by my son. In fact he draws her in so much that she soon abandons her Simone de Bevoire tomme altogether and we launch in a four hour relaxed session of talking about feminists, Philosophy, christmas and family - punctuated by play, drawing and practicing cursive writing.

We mostly debate the tesis of my young friend's book: are we born women or do we become women? My new friend, who has just started gender studies at university and has a specific interest in 'motherhood', is mostly of the oppinion that gender roles are learned rather than innate. I used to like this tesis when I was younger. But now I have a couple of objections to it. I don't have to look too far.... First my son, like most five year old boys I know, is going through his 'no girls, no pink' phase, and he'll be happy to combatively defend it even to the most well intentioned, pacifist aunt who may try to explain gender neutrality to him. Second why should social roles be distinct or dicotomised from 'natural' plain order? Isn't that the old red herring of where does nature start and culture begins?

Anyhow it is soon time to say goodbye to Briana, it was a pleasure to meet her, and we keep on the trucks for two more hours. Just before getting our last connection I pick up the December issiue of the New Scientists (2010) and read a short article on some amazing new research that shows that some chimps play with dolls! Not exactly dolls but sticks that are used like dolls: the chimps put them to bed, make little nests for them, in short practice motherhood. Of course not all chimps do it. Only young female chimps who have not yet had babies.

One thing I noticed is that synchronicity is especially on the loose when one travels. When I travel I pay attention to ways in which colours, sounds and words congregate together. I like following my trail of crums as I put the world in order. To understand. I am sure I do it more as a woman...